“Save me Gaia. Inc”

Mock-documentary Series/Web Shorts

“Save me Gaia. Incorperated” 

Part "People Like Us" and Part "Spinal Tap"

A series of five, 5-8 min, shorts about different crazes/fashions in personal home/office/public spaces protection; following these normal practitioners doing odd professions and the public they interact with and processes taken to get the job they were hired to do done.

This is taking the piss out of complacent societies that seek the 'new'/next thing and their westernising of older exotic traditions for their Kitch values only, like the mid 90s call for Feng-sheui as a tool/answer in creating understanding/harmony for one self in the  home/work. -As well as- Taking a sideways look at the trend in individuals retraining in skills/tools to fit niche and emerging markets/jobs

There is an extension of reality to the series; A fear of the 'unknown' that is being warded can be very real but they way about this world is slightly slapstick. A caricature of reality wherein we could see a house being fitted with a ‘burglar alarm’ then see the next-door house being burgled moments later.

Part. 1 Voodoo

We follow Harvey, an ex accountant, who now has his own business, spiritual protection, and performs voodoo rituals in his local Shropshire area. Harvey is a 40 something, overweight and balding. He drives an old mini and whenever on the job dresses in full Voodoo regalia.

Harvey has found a window in the market and retrained in voodoo at the local collage; so far he has a licence and specialises in homes that face SOUTH because any other direction “requires more juju” and the bank loan hasnt been approved to help expand his chakras to contain that power.

This episode follows Harvey as he blesses a newlywed couple and their home having just moved into the area, they saw his advert in the newsagent and wanted a clean slate to raise a child in.

Part. 2 Witches

We follow Carron, a tenth generation witch, as she goes to corporate gigs to put charms of protection on businesses and army troops. Carron is a no-nonsense woman who explains how the market has opened up thanks to economic crisis and the ‘War on Terror’.

Carron Talks about how the market has been flooded with ‘cowboy mystics’ and her pride in her own lineage; there has always been a practicing witch in the family except for 1940s during the second world war (the war office preferred to invest in Radar rather than a 100 foot Gen stone hung around Big Ben).

This episode follows Carron as she drives to a local army barracks to put a charm on the troops about to ship out; ending on her dancing, semi-naked(?), around a cauldron at night (which has advertising stickers on it) placing a curse on the accounts department of a rival business to which she has a protection retainer contract with.

Part. 3 Healing Crystals (grow your own)

This is Simon’s story, he is a council waste technician who specialises in cleaning out homes that have bought ‘Grow your own Healing crystals’ packs and have let them grow wild. In the vein of a person who has let their garden grow out of control and it’s encroaching on a public walkway (vines weeds etc).

Simon takes us round the most common areas that are prone to natural crystal growth (rubbish dumps where people have thrown out old crystals ETC) and the one house that he and his team had to demolish because the crystalline construct had started growing all over the persons home (like ivy but more permanent); trapping them inside.

Ok People, i only have 3 of the five ideas i'd like. Submissions for other obscure/left of norm activities are welcome.
( You know, Throw us your ideas)

 

 

Next post is my "Past Lives" series of shorts

Short Film 1 "A Rose Tinted World"

SHORT FILM

 "A Rose Tinted World"

Shot in the first person.

A man (or woman) enters an opticians eye test room. Within are various standard eye test equipments. They are asked to sit in the large chair opposite the wall with a projector screen/eye chart upon it. The opticians face (again male or female) is obscured by the angle of the first person (FP) camera facing the wall, all is seen is chin down as she places the mask for inserting different lenses in front of the eyes is positioned before the FP camera/our man. All the while the optician and our man exchange pleasantries.

As soon as the lenses modifier is positioned, a photo of a man and woman facing each other appears on the screen facing the chair (where the eye chart would usually be placed). These two people in the projected picture have no emotion towards one another and are standing two arm lengths apart just staring blankly. The image is out of focus slightly.

The optician asks our man/us if the image on the screen is clear. To which he replies no and the optician fiddles with the lens of the machine projecting the image above the chair. Once done our man says he can see more clearly now. Satisfied the optician begins.

New lenses, pink tinted, are placed in front of the FP camera/our man where the picture changes to either a good version where the couple are hugging or smiling at one another; or a negative version where they are not even facing one another. Like a normal eye test the optician asks if it is “better with or without” said lens being used and a truthful response is given by our man.

In the background there is the hum of the projector spewing forth the ‘same original’ image. It’s the glasses lenses that change the pictures inclination.

As the exam continues the number of Good to Bad pictures/lenses defer to the positive as the negative pictures of the couple become less violent till the last two (“better before or after”) lenses are two kinds of positive responses of the couple to each other.

 
Happy with the results from the exam the optician removes the lens mask. The picture on the wall returns to the original couple staring blankly at one another from the beginning of the test.

The optician, back to our person scribbling in a filder on a desck, tells our man to wait outside because his glasses would be ready in about ten minutes and he should go pick out a set of frames that he likes. He leaves the room.

End

A real flirtatiouse conversation of mine that seemed to get out of control.



 ME: Lets Invade the Balkans!

HER:Don't you think the Balkans have suffered enough? That said, leading an invasion could be fun...

Its the only time id ever get to wave a sabre erratically atop a horse. For some reason, what poped in my head, was us charging into war in world war one apparel and steed....essentially, fancy dress. ( Fancy dress war?........hmm, the possibilities)

I'd like to imagine our propaganda posters may read "Lets Bash those Belligerent Balkies for Blighty" and the design would be of a teenage hoody playing Whack-a-Mole, but the moles are shaped like mini geographic layouts of the provinces.

That said, its never realy worth starting a war just to see modern takes of vintage war posters.

Would that be the sole motivation, then? Recreating vintage war posters? If we're going to do this we need to think it through properly. What have the Balkans ever done to us?

Plus, if we're going to be historically accurate then I wouldn't really be involved at all, but rather tending to some festering wound as a nurse, or at best driving an ambulance, or most likely digging for victory on the home front. So, in the spirit of authenticity, you might have to invade on your own.

I wonder if perhaps what you need is some kind of historical re-enactment society (do they exist?)... less blood, guts, and war crimes that way.

 

I don’t think the Balkans have ever done anything to us, but I’m a fan of reactionary rhetoric so am forced to say “or for us”. You’re right though, art isn’t yet a motivator for war ......although, i am always inclined to punch Damien Hirst just a couple of seconds after he open his mouth.

To hell with acuracy (so much so i miss-spell it on purpose?)

I think historical re-enactment societies stop at the recriminations of war, though i could be persuaded to play the role of ‘Juror Number 5’ in the some forthcoming re-enactment of the Nuremberg Trials.......how funny would the broachers be “Oh, it seems the person playing Hitler was in ‘Birmingham Am-Dram Presents: Fiddler on the Roof’”

Yeah, not sure I'd watch/be involved a reenactment of the Nuremberg trials - that's a serious amount of time to commit. I take it you're a bit of a history buff, then?

not really.............dosent everyone refference the Nuremberg trials on dating sites?

In my limited experience, no they don't. But maybe they should!

If only this absurd banter could change the way the world works. Maybe a new approach to the conversation is called for.

Perhaps you should recommend this method of communicating to the UN? I'm sure they'd be open to ideas about how to achieve world peace...

They might misinterpret it as some sort of manifesto and then impose economic sanctions on me...........what’ll the weekly shop be like without my usual Hobnobs, Milk and Kalashnikovs?

Well there's always the black market. I hear it does a good trade in hobnobs, and the odd Kalashnikov.

But that world is so veiled, you never know if you’ll end up with uranium tipped cookies or gluten free bullets.

I suspect it's a risk you'll have to take if you really want to change the world. Anyway, what's wrong with a little radiation poisoning?

Tell that to Marie Curie.

Needless to say we didnt continue this conversation face to face.
(my last line just has me in stitches)

 

MUSIC VIDEO ONE (OF TWO)
“The Dawning of man”
 

DAWN – CAVE int

Our Tribal man wakes by the smouldering embers of a fire, Light streams in from the cave entrance. He stands and walks to said entrance. Our tribal man is strong and confident but old; this morning routine is almost a reflex to him. He walks to the cave entrance but looks back at where the fire is and he was sleeping, we see three empty/vacant spaces for people now abandoned; he turns back to the entrance to the cave and exits into the enveloping light of day.

DAWN – CLIFF FACE – ext

Our Tribal man crouches by a small pool of water, he looks down and sees his reflection, his hand goes up to the mud on the ground and scoops a pile. He proceeds to smear it on his face like tribal makings/camouflage.

Below the cliff face is a small forest in the centre of a South American city (or one near the equator/ red bleached world). Our Tribal man picks up a hand carved spear from beside the cave and tests its durability, griping it and flexing its body, eyeing the pints sharpness. He walks down the side of the cliff to entrance to the small forest.

 

DAWN – FORREST BRUSH – ext

 

Our Tribal man walks stridently through an invisible path (dense forest where the camera finds it hard to catch up) he sometimes pauses to look up at the canopy, light pours in from the sky. He eventually hits the end of the forest which leads onto a sleepy high street with coffee shops and grocery stores.

 

DAWN – MODERN HIGH STREET – ext

 

Our Tribal man walks along the street, other people ignore his odd attire, talking on their phones, with friends or driving buy. He enters a coffee shop and joins the queue.

 

DAWN – SMALL COFFEE SHOP – int

 

The coffee shop is decorated along the theme of a rainforest, promising the ‘freshest beans right on your doorstep’. Our Tribal man walks receives his black coffee, but in a shallow bowl which he drinks from, using two hands to cup the bowl, pouring the liquid into his mouth.

 

DAWN – FOREST RIVER CREEK – ext

Our Tribal man scoops up water with a shallow bowl from the creek and pours it into his mouth, it splashes on him as much as gets in his mouth.

DAWN –SMALL COFFEE SHOP – int. Cont

 

Our Tribal man lowers his coffee bowl and places it on the table next to him. He picks up his spear and exits the store. But at its entrance he turns to look at a cardboard cut out of an indigenous tribe all drinking this shops coffee happily in a weeded wilderness. He turns to continue his exit.

DAWN – Grocery store – int.

 

Our Tribal man stalks the isles of the shop, spying other patrons wearily. Everyone in the store ignores this different behaviour. Finally he stalks up to the baked good section and thrusts his speer into a loaf of bread

 

DAWN – FOREST RIVER CREEK – ext.

 

Our Tribal man spears a fish, it writhes in pain and thrashes to get off the spear, he pulls in his catch and stares at the fish.

 

DAWN – Grocery store – int.

 

Our Tribal man brings the speared loaf up to his face and stares at it, hoping to find some sort of answer within it.

DAWN – MODERN HIGH STREET – ext

Our Tribal man walks back towards his forest home, bread on spear end. He walks past a series of Bulldozers and cranes that are now by the forest entrance, he ignores them and continues into the forest brush.

DAY – FOREST BRUSH – ext

 

Our tribal man scavenges the forest for chinks of wood.

Suddenly, he hears something; all his senses go on fill alert for what the trouble/intruder may be. He grabs his spear (now without the loaf on it) and rushes to head off the danger.

He confronts a Bulldozer encroaching onto his land, he tenses his spear throwing arm in preparation to throw, the Bulldozer stops in its track and the two of them stare each other out.

 

Day – FOREST CLEARING - ext

In the same position as the last scine, tense and staring his enemy out, Our tribal man is Verses a mountain lion (insert dangerous creature) it roars and then backs away.

Day – FOREST BRUSH – ext, cont

The Bulldozer backs off slowly, the more distance the Bulldozer brings between them the more the tribal man relaxes; he two backs away, never taking eye contact from the Bulldozer.

NIGHT – CAVE – int

Our tribal man sits infront to of a fire, he pokes at it and eats a slice of tasted bread. He then lies down to sleep (same position as for when he woke up) and stares through the fire to where the other empty spaces for beds are.

In the flickering fire, he sees a family (tribal or contempery?) till the flames go out.

END

Who does God ask ffor help?

FADE IN.

 

EXT. SMALL UK TOWN HEATH STREET. DAY

 

MAN, in cheap grey suit walks stridently down “Heath Street”

 

                        GOD (V.O.)

Hey buddy?! You! Yeah, you! Look, I’m a

little lost here. I take my eye off the

ball for one minute; my son disappears

and my earth diorama grows sentience.

 

MAN stops suddenly, recoils at the ethereal voice and looks up.

 

                        MAN

            GOD?

 

                        GOD (V.O.)

            Yeah it’s me, the G.O.D. Can you help a brother

out? Last person to see my son was the angel

Gabriel, he tells the best jokes; if not the

dirtiest........ You ever hear the one about the

Buddha in the Bath tub? Ha ha; Always cracks me up.

 

Man, still looking up, looks confused and fearfull  at the reference

 

                        GOD (V.O.)

O-Kay, sentience doesn’t mean sense of humour.

So, as I was saying, Gabriel said the "Big J"

was in the WOOLWORTHS down here on earth;

turning their bottled water into wine. I was

told the 'WOOLS' was on Heath St but I can’t

seem to find it, you know where I went wrong?

 

Man, looks around and then points down the street.                     

 

MAN

            Er, It’s down the other end of Heath st.

 

                        GOD (V.O.)

Trick question Buddy, I’m NEVER wrong!

 

Man runs SCREAMING away from the direction he pointed in   

                       

GOD (V.O.)

....What the hell?

 

 

I WAS ONLY KIDDING BUDDY,  CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?

 

 

.......Guess he can’t.

 

God (POV Cam) heads down the Heath Street towards an empty building, still with a dilapidated but clearly visible neon WOOLWORTHS sign above it.

 

                        GOD (V.O.)

So, I must have walked past it to.....

 

Gabriel, YOU BASTARD! When the hell did Woolworths close?

 

Turning, God sees a person off in the distance and heads over to them.

 

            GOD (V.O.) cont.

Hey buddy?!

 

You!

 

Yeah, you!

 

 FADE OUT.

A tightly wound city Yuppie is forced to take a weekend break by his doctor but is SO connected to the ‘City Pulse’ that he dies  and becomes a zombie who terrorises the village near his cottage.

A man SO plugged into the pulse of the city, But when he escapes to the country for a long weekend he dies and becomes "The Urban Zombie: Thatch High Sell Low".

It could start by the farming family who live near buy come to get him to move his Land Rover form the dirt path where they take the sheep to market. they begin to read his diary, where he recounts his deterioration after leaving the ‘city’, and are attacked by him, already changed, an undead type monster (who has deteriorated to how a classic zombie looks but moves like a slugish human).

 

He now escapes through the front door which the neighbours left open. He then heads down the path to the local village and systematically terrorises the local (steriotype UK village) buildings; Smashing into tea rooms and crying out incoherently demanding WI-FI and eating the farmers’ brains at the local market happening who don’t have 'farm sustainably' banners at their stalls.

He leaves the village and shuffles back towards his cottage where he spies in the adjoining  feild a bunch of caravans and instantly keeles over fully dead. killed by this band of travelling gypsies who in the zombies mind have inadvertently lowered the value of his country home unwittingly.

 

----------------------------------------

 

Starts, day, on a dirt country road, abandoned Land Rover sits across the path.

Disgruntled Farming couple walk down path, past car which they glower at, and up the front pathway to the Yuppies cottage. They knock, then after no response the man forces the door open; leaving it open behind them as they enter.

 

The cottage is dark, light streams in low from few windows, and the electrics don’t seem work. All the photos are of a city Yuppie, drinking/shouting/kicking a tramp etc. The man and woman split up, he goes up stairs and she to the kitchen; we follow her. The Kitchen is a mess, food strewn around the place, but on the kitchen table is an un-tampered but closed book (light streams through the window to catch the books corner) She calls up the her husband but hears nothing in response so opens the book which is revealed to be a diary and she starts to read

 

--------

FLASHBACK      (there is a rhythmic beet/pulse in the background which slows to nothing at the end of the pages inscriptions)

 

Scenes of the yuppie recounting why he was forced to take a break. Therapist forces him to try the break treatment and keep a diary of what happens over the weekend sabbatical for the next session

 

Driving up with Bluetooth and shouting into it

 

Entering the cottage and being cut off as there is no signal out in the area.

 

Unpacking/pacing about/pissed as his laptop dies and there is no electricity in the cottage/ Freaking out as he looks at his hand which is now gangrenous/ becoming aware after having killed and eaten a fox with his bare hands/clawing up the stares into the shadows

-------

 

The Farmer woman drops the diary in horror and steps back where the Yuppie lumbers forth from the shadows and bites her from behind. (Camera/shot on a picturesque still of the cottage form outside) She screams/gurgles

 

We then follow (back inside, reverse shot) the Yuppie Zombie as he lumbers toward the, now open, door of the cottage. He walks down past the car and onto a paved road and heads toward the local village (his Bluetooth, which he is still wearing, comes to life again)