- PART 3 - Web series, Six Parts : "UnLuck"

Web Series Idea – “UnLuck”

-Six episodes of 10 to 15 minutes. The tone of the series turns from Sitcom to dry by the end episode.

-A story that attempts to comment on the homogenisation of modern western jobs available to the young populace. As well as a comment on the blinkered pathways available to happiness in the competition/goal orientated society.

-------------------------- (EPISODES: 5 + 6 OF 6) ----------------------

Episode Five: Communication breakdown

 

Jamie is a Street Charity Technician. We follow him through a half hearted interview where it is a thinly veiled ‘you can speak English? You’re hired’. The training, where he has sessions on ‘Communicating to People With Just Your Eyes’, ‘1 Million Matchsticks: Smoking kills more than Just your Lungs’ and ‘Guilt gets you Gelt’ etc. We see him practice the patter at home in a mirror, with his class of working mothers/optimistic students and his father who just returns to reading his papers once Jamie is finished.

 

After the training days are over Jamie is really confident because he is told over and over again by the teachers that he is great and will sign up allot of people, “he’s just got that type of face”.

 

First day on the job he is sent to a local town and meets up with his team at the train station. Throughout the day he is ignored by passersby or has abuse shouted at him. At lunch he is told by the team leader that he needs to get at least one sale or else he would be fired “Hell kid, EVERYONE gets a sale within the first day; your full of that ‘go gettum’ attitude bullshit”.

 

Jamie, newly determined to not fail, attempts to up his game and after one pedestrian who actively scurries around Jamie just to get away from him, Jamie spins back round to catch the next person and slams into a huge bodybuilder walking hand in hand with a woman.  Apologising  and then composing himself, Jamie breaks into his patter (this is where we learn about what the charity he is promoting for – “Plants Need People:”Dont just Look, Stop and Have a Chat”) as he continues the man is getting more and more pissed that Jamie won’t move out of his way. Looking at the woman he is with, board as hell, the bodybuilder turns back and proceeds to pick Jamie up and starts laying into him about how he and all charity technicians are scum. The bodybuilders’ woman turns from her bright pink nails to see what’s happening. Jamie, scared at what’s happening to him, looks around for help from his co workers but they are nowhere in sight and have scurried away; peeking out from behind various corners.

 

Jamie breaths in deeply trying to make a sound to protest or call out for help, but as breaths out all the air evacuates his lungs quickly and he faints. Suddenly, we see a flurry of feet feverishly running down the street. It’s the girl, Bethany (the one from the art class in EP4), she swiftly kicks the large man holding Jamie between the legs behind (which is where we get the reveal it is her). He crumbles to the floor, the girl with him screems but soon after is drowned out by crowds of people cheering.

 

<POV> Jamie, now a crumpled mess on the floor, wakes and looking up confused at the girl “I....I..know you?!”. She nods and offers her hand for him to take but Jamie passes out again.

 

Later, Jamie awakens on a bench on the side of the street he was working; next to him is the team leader reading a book. The Team leader notices Jamie is awake and puts the book down and coldly tells him he is fired and stands to walk off. A couple of steps away he turns back to Jamie, groggy and confused and trying to sit up, he tells him that “That Girls a keeper”. Jamie looks confusingly at him and the team leader just taps his breast pocket and walks off again. Jamie, hands in head suddenly realises, after a second, and commences to riffle through his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper with a Phone number, the name Bethany and the words "I think you owe me a drink for that save x" written on it. Jamie punches the air and screams in jubilation. He grabs his phone and dials the number; it connects almost instantly; The female voice, Bethany, on the other end says “Hi”.

 

 

Episode Six: Not quite the win we were looking for

 

In a driveway in the suburbs, it’s Jamie’s fathers’ home. Jamie and Bethany (the girl in last EPs) are walking back and forth from the house carrying boxes to a car that has backed up the driveway. SAM  stands by his car, packing the boxes as best he can. Whatever isn’t packed into the car is piled by the side for SAM to sort out the spacal logistics of it. Jamie’s’ father stands beside SAM, not helping but watching the proceedings; he occasionally mutters to himself comments like “it’s about time” or “If he moves back in Jamie is doing the washing up forever”. Whilst walking to and fro from the car Jamie chats with Bethany and nods to SAM every time he drops off a box, he ignores his father. On one box run, Jamie stops and confirms to SAM that “it’s still ok for my post to be re directed over to your place; you know, so the council tax people don’t think two people are living at Bethany’s”. SAM sighs and assures him it’s still ok for a little while; Jamie picks up the box he put down and two steps towards the house spins back and embarrassingly laughs putting it back where he picked it up again.

 

Once they last box is in the car, Jamie looks over the solidly contained vehicle, smiles to Bethany saying “strange, I always thought I had more” she hugs him and smiles back saying “you can now”, Jamie looks over SAM mate who is opening the driver’s door and says “Be grateful it all fits. The wonders of fugal living and balsawood furniture”.

 

Jamies’ father, who was standing at the houses front door waddles over to the car by the passenger’s side where Bethany is sitting uncomfortably on Jamies lap. He taps the window and Jamie roles it down, they stare at each other for 20 seconds; each expecting the other to talk first. Breaking eye contact first, J’s father reaches over into the car window handing him an oddly shaped gift, wrapped in old x-mass paper, without waiting for a response he turns and walks back to the house. SAM and Bethany look at the wrapped item he is clutching. Both shrug their shoulders and assure Jamie that “your makin the right decision movin with someone who loves you” Jamie tears the paper a little with his limited movement hands and sees the ‘odd shape’ is a standard fishing gnome with the addition of a little hand carved gnome child by its feet. SAM starts the car and pulls away into the road.

 

Inside flat, the final two boxes are piled up in a corner of Bethany’s small flat. Exhausted SAM asks if they want to get a well deserved pint, but both Jamie and Bethany are wrapped up in each other to respond, she is showing him around and he is listening intensely to her; trying never to break eye contact. Asking again, they wake from their daze and respond after pausing to look into each other’s eyes again for a reassuring reaction; they both smile intensely and just exit the house without responding. Standing in the hallway Jamie turns and tells SAM to “Hurry up, it was your idea wasn’t it?!” SAM shakes his head and follows out the door.

 

In the pub (continued) the three of them are sitting in a side booth Jamie and Bethany are sitting opposite one another leaning in holding hands staring at one another, ignoring the world around and SAM. Pissed off, sipping a pint slowly, SAM stands and walks to the bar (no reaction from the couple) and starts a conversation with the lone barmaid. He forces small talk out of her and through their inane chatter tells him, “The pub is looking for full time bar staff and kitchen staff”. Overhearing this Jamie and Bethany both stand and in unison ask for application forms, <pause>, then giggle at what they had just done. SAM and the barmaid just look at each other and roll their eyes at the overly cute moment.

 

The barmaid heads into the back office and brings the manager out, a portly man who barely fits down the bar, he walks off with Jamie and Bethany to a corner of the room and starts to chat with them (we don’t hear the conversation). All the while SAM raises a glass to the direction of the interview and after taking a sip turns barmaid and asks her out; she politely turns him down and just shown a tattoo of two female insignia intertwined. Gulping down the last of his pint he shrugs his shoulders, smiles and introduces himself as the person who’ll be sitting here allot if his friends get the job; “it’s always nice to meet people you can just chat shit with”. They both turn to where Jamie and Bethany are when they hear a SQUEEL of delight come from the corner. The manager walks past the two of them, now exhausted at the days movements, round to the other side of the bar. Turning to the barmaid he tells her she is to train Bethany and to tell Gerald that he has a one more kitchen staff to train on Thursday. The manager then turns to SAM and sternly tells him “It’s ok to visit im as long as he don’t distract him from the job”. SAM raises the empty glass to his eye and looks down it like  telescope, then looks through it to the barmaid and manager, rests the glass down again, smiles and says “I think i can drink too that”.

    

     A series of montage shots where Jamie and Bethany

are at work, , him a plating up the dishes and her picking them up from the hot plate; each time when they pass one another they are ‘gooey eyed’.

On three occasions we see Jamies friend come in and try to grab Jamies attention to inform him off bills and job applications sent through to his house. Jamie is either busy or too caught up in chatting with Bethany and snatches them from his friends hand without acknowledging his presence.

 

One shot we see Jamie at home looking over some of the application forms on the bed his friend has brought him (there are allot piled up) Bethany enters the room fresh from a shower he turns around and smiles, stands and starts to caresses her; whispering “ I think you missed a bit”. They fall on the bed destroying the papers on the bed with Bethanys wet body; destroying some with the water.

 

Jamies father Knocks on SAMs front door and informs him that he has found the perfect apprentice scheme which he can ‘assure his son a place’. SAM asks him why he brought this information round his? Jamies father tells him that Jamie has not talked to him since he moved out; SAM retorts that it hasn’t been exactly an open house for him either. He thanks Jamies father and heads round the lovers flat.

 

Knocking vigorously on the door, Jamie eventually opens it naked except a pillow covering his crotch. Jamie is panting and pissed off that he has been disturbed from sex; telling SAM that he hasn’t a lot of time before his evening shift begins.SAM explains how Jamie’s’ father came round his place with the perfect job opportunity; he should thank his dad or at least have a chat with him. “What? To hell with him and to hell with you for sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong”; Bethany calls out to Jamie from the bedroom. Jamie turns and quickly snatches the envelope from SAM and slams the door.

 

We see Jamie walk to a mantel and place the envelope behind the Gnome and son statue; SAM's now shouting (muffled) from behind the door. Jamie just heads back to the bed through the torrents of insults coming from the other side of the door. Standing in the bedroom doorway he smiles at Bethany who then beacons him back to bed with her hand outstretched.

 

The Hallway (Cont), SAM is still shouting “...has become a true asshole and that he better get his mail redelivered because he was going to bin it once it comes in. You’re not happy Jamie and when you realise this I won’t be there and neither will your father; you have nothing but the prospect of mounting debts and food burns”.

 

Not hearing a response from SAM stops shouting/ banging on the door. He walks away with his head held low kicking the floor as he walks into the lift down the hall. As the lift door closes he sighs to himself, muttering under his breath “Bastard! But I really want a girlfriend now”. The lift door close fully.

 

The End.

- PART 2 - Web series, Six Parts : "UnLuck"

Web Series Idea – “UnLuck”

-Six episodes of 10 to 15 minutes. The tone of the series turns from Sitcom to dry by the end episode.

-A story that attempts to comment on the homogenisation of modern western jobs available to the young populace. As well as a comment on the blinkered pathways available to happiness in the competition/goal orientated society.

-------------------------- (EPISODES 3 + 4 OF 6) -----------------------

Episode Three: Second Place Silver (Service)

Jamie drops down, slumping into the broken 70s sponge like sofa at ‘Rays Recruitments’, the office is  situated within in a shabby retrofitted porter-cabin; it's a small husband and wife recruitments firm.  Ray is typing away one fingered on his computer behind the small desk in one corner of the cabin/room, placing Jamie’s details into their system. Ray, concentrating intensely at the keys he is tapping suddenly looks up from the computer at his wife, who is sitting at another desk opposite her husband typing at her computer, separated/split between the two ends of the sofa Jamie is sat in the middle of staring off into space; they smile at each other which, turning his eyes left to right, Jamie notices. He *SIGHS* and then slumps further into the folds of the sofa; pulling his hoodie over his head to hide better.

RAY: “Excuse me son *COUGH* You in there?” Ray is now standing in front of Jamie bending over uncomfortably because of his weight

Jamie Looking up (POV), removing the hood from his eyes.

Jamie asks if they have any work for him. “Of course! You can hold a tray cant you?” bellows Ray; Jamie nods, a little confused at the comment. Ray Continues as if his question was rhetorical “Be at the Manor house at six sharp and wear black trousers, shoes and a white shirt. Jamie my good boy, silver service is the job for you!” Jamie just shrugs and looks at his watch.

Jamie is at the local clothes shop buying a pair of black trousers, white shirt and black shoes. He goes to pay for the clothing but his card is rejected so he puts back a white shirt and just pays for the shoes and trousers. Back home he riffles through a wardrobe looking for a clean white shirt; not finding one he returns to the shop where he purchased the other items for the white shirt, this time he pays with a bank bags full of pennies.

Back home Jamie is dressing in front of the wardrobe he was just franticly looking in , as each piece of clothing is buttoned up the happier he is; with a huge smile on his face in anticipation for the new job. He looks at a Google map printout saying the bus journey to the manor house is a 45 minute bus ride, but he even smiles at this as he reviews the winding map and journey times written upon it.

Jamie is crushed into his seat on the buss, leaning against the window in his seat; fighting despiratly to keep his eyes open. The buss loud speaker shouts “NEXT STOP MANOR HOUSE”; Jamie wakes up and tries to move but is still trapped into his position but squeezes through to the buses exit as its tops to let people off. As he exits the buss his energy rush is crashing so groggily strides up to the long ascending winding path to the Manor House where a group of people in the same attire as he is are huddled up at the back entrance. The catering manager is standing on a crate above everyone in the middle of explaining the job and the rules of service. As Jamie get into hearing range the manager is saying “Right, just to reiterate. Serve to the left pickups are on the right; Right?! Ok who have we here? Amelia?” He reads through a list of names and positions to cover during the event.

Jamie is excited, beaming with anticipation, but as each person before him is  called they break off to head into the venue; till all that’s left at the back entrance are Jamie and the Catering Manager still on his box. Noticing that Jamie is still standing there he enquires if Jamie, because he was kitted out in the proper attire, had just turned up and missed his name, Jamie tells him he was there since the start and that RAY sent him. Riffling through the papers in front of him the manager finds a hand written not at the bottom of a page. Looking back over at Jamie, all bursting with energy, he apologises to him explaining that all the positions were filled days ago so there must have been a miscommunication between him and Ray, he appreciates that Jamie turned up. Taking out a blackberry he scrolls through a couple of screens and then offers to use Jamie on the job tomorrow at the banquet hall on the other side of town. Down heartened in face but happy with this brass ring Jamie trundles down the path back to his return bus journey.

The next evening Jamie is again dressing in front of the wardrobe mirror neatening his shirt and trousers when his actions are broken as his phone goes off. Picking up the phone from his bead, he answers it; within seconds Jamie’s’ glee is shattered as he is told over the phone that the catering manager he met yesterday was wrong to promise a shift on speck because the company owes another person that shift. Jamie hangs up and starts to take the shirt off bust stops part way through to fall back towards the bed still half dressed staring at the ceiling despondently.

Jamie is again half dressed (one shoe on and an un-tucked shirt), with the phone between his shoulder up to his ear, agreeing through clenched teeth that “Yes, I guess I would look out of place at the ‘woman’s union workers annual luncheon’”. Jamie hangs up and containing his anger, pauses, and then violently throws the phone onto the bed where it bounces off into the corner of the room.

Jamie is now under his bed covers when his phone rings. In the corner of the room is a white shirt, black trousers and black shoes all neatly ironed and presentable. Jamie leaves it to ring till it goes to answer machine, RAYS’ voice comes on “Jamie, I just wanted to wish you all the best on your, (laughs) eventual, first day. Unfortunately I cannot be there but my second in command will be. Jamie, Jamie?! You will be there?! We are desperately short staffed during....” From under the covers comes Jamie’s foot which kicks the phone over to cancel the call, stopping the message. *Groaning he peeks his head from the covers to see torrential rain poor, then he looks at the neat clothes in the corner; *Groaning* again he pulls the covers back over his head, just as the phone rings again.


Episode four: For more information please contact the appropriate department

Jamie and friend, SAM(from Episode 02), are walking down the central thoroughfare of a local college campus; he is walking sluggishly still despondent at his situation. They pause at an entrance of one of the buildings, his friend tells him to “just have a wonder around for a few hours, just till he finishes classes today”. With nothing better to do with the day Jamie shrugs in response but his friend has already headed into the main building.

Jamie wanders the empty corridors of the college looking in the classrooms full of happy and attentive students; the more doors he looks through the more upset her becomes grumbling to himself in a mock fatherly tone “Don’t worry son, porcelain gnomes are the way of the future; it’s a trade for life!”. Looking up he spies a bright vibrant eye catching banner across the corridor ‘EARN TO EDUCATE, DUMMY’.

Walking forward towards the banner he sees to one side another person pacing around a door under the banner. Walking up to the door there is a printed note reading ‘Open Auditions. £££’s Paid’ written in bold lettering. Jamie, confused, turns round quickly to the other person pacing around him. Noticing this stranger’s confusion the pacing teen stops his rapid movements and in a nervous exacerbated manner explains the situation of the garish banner and open auditions. ”OH, yeah, you don’t know? The head of the drama department got sick of the course having no budget and only being able to put on a play at the local old age home. So he’s spent a fortune on a private detective to drum up some dirt on the head of the college. But the Dean found out and has sued the teachers union for collaborating with the drama head, and as a way of apologising to the students has pumped money into all departments from the settlement”. “So now the drama department can pay for extras that don’t look despondent and actors who can learn their lines.” Jamie enquires to if they’ll take anyone. The teen, which started pacing again, looks over at Jamie and irritably says “probably, you don’t see a queue of people do you?” Stopping suddenly and intensely staring at the door; “Look, they’re making TOPGEAR THE MUSICAL, I think desperation hit home when THAT was the best idea agreed upon; trust me they’ll take anyone.”

A muffled call from the room comes out “Next”. The pacing teen now starts to pull open the door but is stopped by Jamie who has put a foot before of it. The pacing teen stairs daggers at Jamie; who quickly asks if there are other paid activities in other departments? “Yeah, yeah. Look mate i already explained the college is flush with ‘stupid’ money. Look on the bloody activities board over there.” He flicks his head towards a large cork board to the left of them and then pulls the door open violently and steps into the room; forcing Jamie to move or be pushed off balance.

Jamie scurries over to the activities board and scans the notice board. Tacked upon the board are notices ranging from crude hand written notices to perforated papers with contact info upon them. Nearly all were enquiring after volunteers needed in various departments. Scanning the notices Jamie starts to tear-down the information to contact the various departments. He stops writing when he comes across the art departments call for ‘Nude Models: Paid as Handsomely as they are Portrayed’, his hand hovering upon the perforated information; he hesitantly takes it and mutters to himself “as....as a last resort”.

He continues to scan the board till he hears the auditions door slam open and turning to see the Teen from before storming out the doorway and down the corridor; angry waving their arms. He stops before the fire door and turns toward the room and Jamie, shouting “NOT EMOTIVE ENOUGH?!?”  <PAUSE> From the room comes a shout “Next”. Then kicks a dustbin,“BASTARDS”, in the corridor storming off back down the corridor away from Jamie.

Jamie, bemused at the scene, smoothes down his cloths and slicks back his hair. Taking a deep breath he enters the audition room.

We see a montage of shots wherein Jamie is taking part in various activities, bookmarked between shots of the info slips of paper taken from the board (saying the department, number and date needed).

(shot of a hand held open palm filling with cash piling up, as more activities are done.)

Science- Wired up to electrodes with a ‘Pain-o-meter’ beside him and one of the students asks “Ready?” . Jamie murmurs “No” but is ignored as a switch is pulled and we hear screams of pain.

Psychology- Playing chess against a Mouse wherein we see the last move in which he loses. He knocks over the board and turns to the student observing him and asks “Best of 12?”

Fashion- we see a catwalk with the banner reading ‘Project ReTransvests’ and booming TECHNO music plays as Jamie saunters down the runway in high heels makeup and a dress.

Food Tech- A blind testing of the same three dishes, the plates are laid out with coverings which are lifted to reveal grotesque creations with a label saying ‘Ratatouie’; Jamie takes a whiff and says “Mmm, not bad”.

 

Jamie is standing by the reception desk of the college a little downcast as he replies to the receptionist behind the counter “What do you mean they won’t take me?” The receptionist looks up and tells him “look Jamie, you have been a sport these past couple of weeks but you’ve taken part in most of the activities and experiments and they don’t need you anymore; the money is drying up. That is, all except <PAUSE> you know what?!”. She gestures with her head towards a poster for the art department. The poster simply says ‘Nude models desperately needed. Will pay top dollar. All next to the statue of DAVID’. Jamie stumbles aback and begs the receptionist to find another option. She shakes her head and Jamie shrugs with a resigned posture as he tells her to “sign him up”; she laughs to herself.

 

 

Jamie is standing in a bath robe just outside of the art departments’ studio. Nervously he peeks round the door to the packed studio but as soon as he does, the door swings open, pushing him to the ground, as a nerdish but beautiful girl (BETHANY) walks out past him; also dressed in a matching bathrobe. From the studio comes “Thank you Bethany. Can you please send the next model in”. Jamie bolts upright nervously, both of them staring at each other and in unison they both say “Hi”. She blushes and smiles timidly saying “I think that’s you darling” and saunters off to the ladies toilet. Jamie, smitten by the meet-cute he just had, watches her walk away and walks backwards into the classroom. His robe is sporting and erection underneath it now. The studio doors close as he walks backwards into the studio and after a second a raucous laughter come from within the art studio.

 

Web series, Six Parts : "UnLuck"

Web Series Idea – “UnLuck”

-Six episodes of 10 to 15 minutes. The tone of the series turns from Sitcom to dry by the end episode.

-A story that attempts to comment on the homogenisation of modern western jobs available to the young populace. As well as a comment on the blinkered pathways available to happiness in the competition/goal orientated society.

-------------------------- (EPISODES 1 + 2 OF 6) -----------------------
 

Episode One: Don’t take Gnome for an answer

 

Jamie and his father are in the offices of their local bank manager. All the surfaces of the office are strewn with porcelain gnomes; the bank manager is visually the same age as Jamie’s father (50’s). He explains to Jamie’s father, ignoring Jamie altogether, that his porcelain gnome sculpting/distribution business must reduce costs; he then goes onto list a possible changes like cheaper materials or relocating to a smaller premises and widening sales to over the internet.

After hearing out the bank manager Jamie’s father, unfazed by this news, casually turns to Jamie, who had been visibly tensing/worrying at the news of business collapse, sitting right beside him and point blank tells him that he is fired. He then turns back to the bank manager and says calmly “Costs saved! <Pause> Now tell me about these cyber sales thingy you were talking about”. Jamie is in shock, jaw open and motionless from the point his father firing, as his father and the bank manager stand-up congratulate themselves on saving the business and exit the office towards a desk with a computer terminal; all the way talking about their wives/cricket etc.

 

Jamie is now in an unemployment office, still with the shocked dumfounded expression as the firing incident, sitting in a booth opposite a ‘Retrainment Officer’, this girl is the same age as Jamie and can’t help but giggle at the virtually empty CV (except the hand crafted gnomes manufacturer) she has in front of her. After a couple of seconds she composes herself and starts tapping at her computer terminal she smiles and confidently proclaims that she has the perfect job for him. Jamie has a blank expressionless look plastered on his face.

 

Jamie is standing in-front of the grill at a fictional fast-food restaurant, still with the shocked dumfounded expression as the firing incident, holding a spatula in one hand and an order slip in the other. Slowly as the shock wears off he turns his head and looks at the alien items in his hands. Slowly it dawns on him the situation he is in and shakes his head violently side to side as to wake his self up; it is unsuccessful. He then slowly and calmly places the order slip and apron on the counter and makes his way to the fire exit. Once the door is open an alarm sounds and Jamie makes a dash for freedom; away from the fast-food restaurant waving his arms and the spatula, erratically, in the air as he runs towards his freedom through the car park; various cars honk wildly and the kid in the drive through booth leans out watching Jamie majestically dash into the setting sun.

 

Episode Two: I.T. Is The Way To Go

 

Jamie walks up to a large building an old library/Town Hall combo site, he slides out of his back pocket a piece of paper with the times, dates and titles of various councils IT training skill workshops printed upon it which he opens up to read. He then scrunches it in hand and tentatively enters the library building, clutching in hand the slip of paper he just read with the workshops printed upon it. Checking his watch Jamie realizes that he is five minutes early but doesn’t know the room that his workshop is being held in. The hallway to the library is mammoth with multiple rooms along its sides so he wanders from room to room till he comes across a door with a piece of paper stuck to its front, reading ‘NO, THE REMOTE CONTROLER DOSENT WORK ON THIS BOX: I.T. FOR PRE-BEGINNERS’; down the far end of the long corridor he traversed.

 

As he enters the room it is empty of people but populated with rows of old PCs; it’s silent but for the humming of the sleep mode activated computers. He walks halfway through the rows of desks and then takes the seat/desk with its back to the front whiteboard; looking back on the entrance to the room. Entering from a side door by the front of the room, a beautiful 30’s woman walks into the room and without realising that Jamie is there, sets to work setting up up her laptop by the whiteboard on one side of the room; she is bending over at the waste showing off her toned rumpus. Jamie, spinning in his seat, turns just in time to see the woman with her back to him banding over at the waste to lay her laptop on the desk buy the board; smiles slyly to himself in a horny voyeur manor.

 

Suddenly a surge of 15, 50+ aged, men and women enter the classroom and take their seats; with the smooth motion of pre-knowledge of an ascribed seating chart. The teacher turns to see Jamie sitting smiling lecherously at her bum, she smiles and he blushed deep crimson. She then looks up and nods to the people entering the room.

 

The look of glee is wiped from Jamie’s face as he spins back round to see the older set of people taking their seats in the class. He ducks his head lower into his shoulders as he realises that by now he probably should know how to use a computer. The young teacher comes up from behind and places her, well manicured, hand on his shoulder; startling Jamie into a frozen pose. She bends at the waste and leans in to whisper in his ear “I don’t think we have ever had anyone as young as you in our class before” squeezing his shoulder seductively whilst bending back up “interesting”. Jamie starts to blush again as she moves back to the front of the room, letting her hand slide off his shoulder, stoking his neck as it is pulled away. As she walks back to the front of class she asks everyone to find a seat at a computer.

 

Lost in a sexual haze and staring off into the middle distance Jamie is oblivious to the people walking to their seats behind him.  Suddenly a porcelain gnome is slammed down in front of Jamie; waking him with a shock from his horny merles. Turning to see who slammed the gnome, he is taken aback his father ruts about with the chair and desk; tilting the computer screen. Jamie’s father settles on an odd angle for the screen and then leans a briefcase open beside him  and pulls out a notepad from under another couple of gnomes, the notepad has multiple scribbled notes all over it; we see a couple ‘Gnomes.com’ and ‘Heavens_gnomes_we_love the_little_folk.com’. Without looking at his son Jamie’s father tells him to “Keep it in your pants boy! That gnome is for the luck of the company NOT for what you did behind the bike sheds on a Saturday night!” Jamie sits up straight and looks around the room for an open seat but all the computers are taken so he slumps further down into his seat and screws up his face. Meanwhile the teacher has wondered round the room leaving a slice of paper with some seemingly random letters/numbers upon it. She asks everyone to log onto the system, Jamie looks around for his piece of paper with the code upon it, till eventually he sees the gnome, wherein he *SIGHS* heavily and picks it up to reveal his log in info. He proceeds to type in the sequence upon the screen.

 

-A montage of shots to upbeat music-

Jamie is failing to get to grips with the simplest of tasks but doesn’t seem to mind as he gets to take up more and more of the teachers’ attention. She doesn’t seem to mind.

 

Jamie is round a friend’s house where he is lying strewn across the bed explaining his inability to get to grips with the I.T. skills and getting mixed signals from the teacher. It would seem that the worse he does the more she spands time with him, seductively leaning in and stroking him; but on the flip side she seems to have no respect past teasing him and telling him he is “Cute, like a slow witted pony”. Jamie explains that he needs to do something to show her he is a virile alpha male that he can trick into sleeping with him. His friend, who has been sitting at a computer all the time Jamie lamented on, spins round and hands Jamie a CD which he reassures will “Get the teacher attention”. The CD, which his friend then places in a clear case, has a single word written upon it ‘Override’, Jamie, sits up into a slouching position, shrugs and takes it from his friends’ outstretched hand.

 

Getting to class early Jamie inserts the CD into the computer and boots the program up. Everything seems to be working fine till Jamie starts to realise that the program is erasing everyone’s information on the shared network. Desperately he presses random buttons on the keyboard. During this mad scramble for gaining control the teacher walks in the room followed closely by the rest of the class; just as the last file is deleted and all the computers go blank simultaneously. Jamie, stepping backwards away back from his computer, his scrap of paper with the log-in code clutched tightly, faints. He falls comically backwards landing between the teachers legs; eyes closed facing up the skirt.

 

Jamie wakes up, with a raped coat under his head, to the angry stares of the head of library services and his young unemployment officer (last ep). They sit him up and explain that they won’t press charges if he accepts a ‘voluntary’ ban on the library property and all computers in governmental buildings. Still in a little daze, he agrees, signing the piece of paper thrust under his nose. After which he looks back at the teacher and says “I don’t suppose you date ‘ex’ students do you?” the teacher and the unemployment officer look at each other then back down at Jamie, and burst into raucous laughter.